i recently read an article where a mom of two talked about the 'chaos' that reigned in her home. it made me laugh out loud. how i wish for the chaos of 2! as a matter of fact, i don't think having two children was uncontrollable at all. i remember feeling frustrated by limited resources but always feeling like i had a handle on the days. each day had its appointed activities, each unfolding hour an expectation and routine.

in some ways my life is much easier now. i have my own car! i have a washer and dryer inside my house. i have a house! i even have decent furniture. i can spend $200 on groceries more than once a year. i have 2-3 built in babysitters (depending on the day) and my husband is home for dinner. these are all things which i longed for when i had two children. what i long for now is
                     to stay home ALL DAY more often
                     for food not to mysteriously disappear
                     to challenge the older kids while also providing lovely
                         experiences for the young ones
                     to really be aware of each child
                     to see that what i've struggled and clung to all these years is
                         becoming real in them

oh! how my heart is full of dreams and longings and prayers for this family. how human we are, how weak and easily troubled. what joy and beauty are always right before us if we look. how blessed i am even as i struggle. my struggle is my blessing.